BC WHAT?

The Intramuralist (I): “Welcome to the BCS! Yes, it’s none other than the ‘Big Confusion Sitcom’ -- ongoing since 1998 -- where we welcome the likes of college football’s most notorious personalities. Through the years we’ve entertained many, usually ending our show with some creative cliffhanger... or at least something fairly murky... something that keeps churning out frustrated viewers year after year... never knowing what ambiguous forces will grace us next.”

(I) “Pete Carroll, coach of USC, is that you?”

(Carroll) [grumbling] “Yes, it’s me. I think this stinks. There should be a playoff system in place!”

(I) “Funny, Pete, but I didn’t hear you speak quite as loudly in the years when your mighty Trojans appeared in the National Championship Game. Maybe your credibility would be a little more potent if you spoke out about a playoff when it didn’t serve to benefit you. Hey, Tebow...”

(Tebow) “Greetings, friend. Hey, nice blog, by the way.”

(I) “Thanks, Timmy. Sorry about the Heisman. I heard some guys intentionally left you off their ballot, wanting to make sure to steer the vote in either Bradford or McCoy’s favor. You received more first place votes than anyone else, but still didn’t win the trophy?”

(Tebow) “No need to cry foul. You know, it’s out of my control. Sam had a great season. In fact, I can’t wait to play his Sooners Thursday night. Will you be watching?”

(I) “Of course! It only adds to the confusion.”

(Tebow) “Yeah, talk about confusion -- I’m sorry about Texas. Not that I’m their biggest fan, but how do the powers-that-be justify that?”

(Carroll) “You don’t! This stinks!”

(I) “So let me get this straight. Your Gators, Tim, Sam’s Sooners, and Colt’s Longhorns all only have one loss, and Colt’s team beat Sam’s team, but Sam’s team lost earlier in the season than Colt’s, so they somehow earn the right to play Florida in the National Championship?”

(Carroll) “I told you this stinks.”

[Joe Paterno enters the room.]

(Paterno) “Anyone speak about the Utes yet?”

(I) “What’s up with Utah?”

(Paterno) “Utah didn’t lose a single regular season game. Still no option to play for the championship.”

(Carroll) “I told you this stinks!”

(Paterno) “Quiet... I’m not talking to you yet!”

(I) “Wait... didn’t they beat Alabama the other night? And wasn’t Alabama ranked #1 for much of the season?”

(Tebow) “Right. Alabama was ranked #1 until we beat them in the SEC championship. Utah also beats them handily and finishes with a perfect season, 13-0. But no national championship for the Utes. In fact, if a team goes undefeated, they have little chance to even make the championship game unless they’re from one of the 6 major conferences. Ball State would have been in a similar predicament, had the Cardinals not blown their final conference game.”

(Carroll) “Anyone seen Tressel around here, by the way? He’s usually part of this discussion.”

(Paterno) “He’s still trying to recoup his luggage... something about no sweater vests allowed in Arizona.”

(I) “So why does the sitcom remain in place? I mean, so many of you seem frustrated. So much of the country feels like they have to crown a true winner. What keeps our sitcom on the air?”

(Paterno) “You don’t know? Have you ever noticed the huge amount of revenue generated from the current system? The monies produced by having multiple big games as opposed to one ‘big one’? People who profit usually aren’t quick to surrender, whether it makes more sense or not.

(Carroll) “Even if it stinks.”

(Paterno) “Yes, Pete... even if it stinks.”

(I) “Hey Tim... before you leave, can you tell us, as a former Heisman winner, who did you vote for in 2008? Did you vote for yourself?”

(Tebow) “I learned some things are best kept quiet. Just like you don’t talk about whether you voted for Obama or McCain.”

(I) “True, there were things I liked about them both. Things that concerned me, too. But wait... did you see Obama’s plan for our sitcom? He wants to change our current confused status, ending our annual mess, and institute an 8 team college playoff.”

(Carroll) “Really? Truly? FINALLY??”

(I) “Yes. I hear it’s called change we can believe in!”


AR