MY CABINET

In light of the selection of Hillary – which I still can’t tell if it’s an effort to hire the most tactful or an embracing of the strategy to keep your friends close but your enemies closer – I’d like to offer my own cabinet selections… some deceased, fictional, but arguably qualified. Drum roll please…

Secretary of Agriculture: Orville Redenbacher. Few have done more with small kernels of grain.
Secretary of Commerce: The “Hollywood Elite.” They seem to have lots of goods and materials and like to tell the rest of us how to spend ours (not to mention how to vote).
Secretary of Defense: Ray Lewis and the Baltimore Ravens defensive unit. No one runs on them… not even fierce Bengal tigers.
Secretary of Education: All BCS analysts. They have to educate in the midst of great confusion.
Secretary of Energy: Any of the 4 a.m. post-Thanksgiving shoppers! (ok, so I was one of them.)
Secretary of Health & Human Services: Rachael Ray. She focuses on being healthy and concise – the latter of which seems rare by those inside the Beltway.
Secretary of Housing & Urban Development: Cindy McCain. I hear she frequents a lot of houses.
Secretary of the Interior: Paige Davis, host of TLC’s “Trading Spaces.” She makes everything look good while adhering to a strict budget. Congressmen, hello??
Secretary of Homeland Security: Kevin McCallister, that 8 year old kid from “Home Alone.” Who else can fend off all attackers?
Secretary of Labor: Bobbi McCaughey, mother of the Des Moines, Iowa septuplets. Enough said.
Secretary of State: Condoleezza Rice. With a BA, Master’s, and Ph.D. in Political Science… an expertise in communism, military policy, Soviet affairs, and the NFL… a resume that includes employment by both Republicans and Democrats… mentored by Josef Korbel (college professor and father to Madeleine Albright)… she remains one of the most qualified ever.
Secretary of Transportation: The Producers of the “Amazing Race.” They don’t seem to have problems directing people where to go.
Secretary of the Treasury: Ebeneezer Scrooge. It’s safe to say he wouldn’t be distributing billion dollar bailouts.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Donovan McNabb. (This spot can only be filled by a Philadelphian, experienced at handling the simultaneous cheers and jeers at the old Vet.)
Attorney General: The Mainstream Media. This person needs to be able to represent the President well at all times (rumor has it MSNBC began practicing about 18 months ago).

And last but not least…
The Chief of Staff: One of the Manning Brothers. These guys lead both big and small (giants and colts); they motivate the masses to cheer on the entire team. They absorb monstrous hits, but yet, they always come out shining. Sometimes they even get a ticker tape parade…

Searching for that ticker tape…

AR